SPOKEN

O Lord you made many many bald people
I realize of course, it’s no shame to be bald
But it’s no great honour either!
So what would have been so terrible if I had a small Safro

CHORUS

If I were John Safran
Ya da deedle dee, bubba bubba, deedle deedle dum
I’d like early work by Eminem
And a man called Paul Barman

I wouldn’t have to try hard,
And I’d punctuate my speech, with err, and arr and eee and umm
If I were the second child of
Alex and-a Gietel Safran

I’d have conspiracy theories going by the dozen
Most of which involve evil clowns
Or why I wasn’t invited onto Rove
There would be one long anecdote into the news
And one even longer leading out
And one more leading nowhere just for show

I’d have a voice that yelps like you’ve trodden on a dog
For all the town to wake and hear
Screeching just as pleasantly as I can
And each of the ‘eees’ and the ‘goddamns’ and the ‘craps’ and the ‘bullshit mans”
Will land like a trumpet on the ear
The dulcit whine that is John Saf-er-an

Oy

CHORUS

If I were John Safran
I’d subscribe to magazines that feature women and their guns
You would laugh if you ever saw me run
If I were John Saf-er-an

I’d ‘ve seen Ray Martin’s front yard
Singing Mr Dobeleena Mr Bob Dobelum
I’d have done that Race in series one
Like Saffa-baffa-laffa-raffa-ran

I’d question Fee B Squared if a girl smiled on the bus
Hey Fee does it mean that I’m in?
Helping me find a wife as I think she ought
I’d see Fee putting on tracks and singing to the White Stipes
Oh what a happy mood she ‘s in
Screaming at poor Tony for the sport

FEE

C’mon Wilson …. Spoooorrrrt!!!!

The most definitive lists in town would come direct from me
I would ask them to advise me
Of all those with beards and no moustaches
If you please, Mr Safran
What about Rob from the Curiosity Show Mr Safran,
Posing answers that are a fair way from derserving a prize
The album’s gone, the album’s gone, the album’s gone
And it won’t make one bit of a difference if I answer right or wrong
With these lists nobody really knows

If I were John I’d have the faith that I lack
To sit in a synagogue and pray
Although there’s a group who’d say I’m a thetan 4
And I would write my scrabble score on my arm, reapplying every day
And that would be the sweetest thing of all

Oy

CHORUS

If I were John Safran
Surfing google, google google, google, deedle deedle dum
I would surf the internet for fun
If I were John Saf-er-an

I wouldn’t be a big nerd
Yet I’d be the sort of guy who thinks that palindromes are fun
Lord who made the am/fm band
You decreed I should be who I am
Would it spoil some vast eternal plan
If I were John saf-er-an