For many years, Peter Hitchener has had a serviceable but unspectacular sign-off to his news bulletins on Melbourne’s National Nine News. After Brian Naylor retired, taking his magical ‘may your news be good news’ with him, Hitch was left with a tough sign-off act to follow. For a while he went with the sturdy, ‘thanks for watching, and goodnight’, before churching it up just slightly to … ‘And that’s what’s making news for this [Thursday], thanks for watching and goodnight’.

More than four years ago, Fee B-Squared launched a spectacularly unsuccessful call-in segment entitled ‘get Hitch a new sign-off’. We received exactly zero calls. This disaster was recently revisited in a segment called ‘segments for which we received exactly zero calls’. Sam Pang, new to the movement of finding Hitch a new sign-off, decided there had been enough inertia. A request was made for Hitch to do a phone interview with us. Channel 9 publicity rang straight back. Hitch wanted to come in. Hitch cares about his sign-off. 

Within 18 hours, Peter Hitchener was in studio. A lovely man, he threw himself enthusiastically into the brainstorming, and lent his rich baritone to the suggestions as they rolled in. At 8.30, he even read the news (surely a breach of his contract) although he wouldn’t be goaded into editorialising on the headline stories, refusing to answer my somewhat inflammatory, ‘now Peter, which religion do you think is right?’ inquiry after he finished the al Hilaii ‘exposed meat’ story.

Channel 9 publicity has now contacted us, and asked for the results of our sign-off brainstorming. We sent through this list.  

• From the news room to your room, I’m PH. Good night. 

• I’m PH. Tomorrows another day, make it magic Melbourne. Good night. 

• Until tomorrow, I’m the Hitch and that’s my pitch. 

• Stay marvellous Melbourne. 

• Until tomorrow, that’s news today. I’m PH. Good night. 

• That’s it from everyone here at National Nine News. Your nation, your news. I’m PH. Good night. 

• See you in 23 and a half hours. I’m PH. Good night. 

• I’m PH. Hitchin’ your wagon to the big news. Good night. 

• That’s it for 9 news this evening. 9 news, where we don’t Peter out. I’m Peter. Out. 

• That’s all for now. I’m PH. Good night. 

• I’m PH. Go Saints. Good night. 

• I’m PH. Cop you later Melbourne. (then Peter would smile and wink at the camera) 

If you have another suggestion, please send it through. With luck, we can change the way we transition from a novelty story about freed whales, to back pain cures on A Current Affair.