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Since returning from Race Around the World in 1998, I have done numerous speaking engagements. The tentative title for the talk is ‘Me – A Brief History in Four Parts’ which really stands out on the ICMI speakers’ catalogue, because everyone else’s talk is called ‘The Challenge of Change’, or something similarly useful and alliterative.

My general theme is changing careers and chasing dreams, and so secretly I wish my talk was called The Challenge of Change too. And there’s usually a song of some description, mainly so I can continue to tax deduct my CD collection.

I have also done heaps of MC work, which is a good effort given the amount of time I spent in speech therapy when I was ten. The expression “ladies and gentlemen, it’s my great pleasure to introduce…” is one of mine.

In November 2008, I spoke to Monahan & Rowell solicitors at a function called ‘Lawyers for Doctors’. In preparation, I asked them to assess Dr Hydrangea’s speech in The Thirsty Flowers for potential malpractice implications. It turned out it was absolutely full of holes, which will be corrected for the new edition. You can read the original and the amended versions here

If you want a bio to introduce me, you can use this one here.


My speaking agents are Carson White
and Barry Markoff at ICMI (www.icmi.com.au)
phone number (03) 9529 3711.

http://www.icmi.com.au/speaker.phtml?id=120

 
Keynote

Allens Arthur Robinsons, ERI Group dinner (06)
ANZ Legal Department, Daylesford Retreat (06)
Apprenticeships Plus Awards night (02)
Australian Institute of Credit Union Managers, Young Achievers Breakfast (04)
Australian Plaintiff Lawyers Association Annual Dinner (02)
Camberwell Girls Grammar School, Father-Daughter Breakfast (08)
Camberwell Grammar School Careers Night (05)
Cornwall Stoddard client night (05)
CPA Australia Young Accountants Night (03)
CPA, Victorian Division, AGM (03)
Deacons Lawyers networking night (02)
Green’s List Barristers Annual Dinner (08)
Hall and Wilcox Young Business Network (06)
Law Institute of Victoria Annual Dinner (99)
Monahan & Rowell Solicitors, Lawyers for Doctors (08)
Mobil Lube Annual Conference, Sanctuary Cove (05)
Newman College Student Club (99)
OCGA Annual Dinner (03)
PEGS Leavers Dinner (00)
Powercor Business Innovation Lunch (06)
pricewaterhouseCoopers client lunch (02)
Round Square International Conference, Ivanhoe Grammar (04-05)
Somerville Primary School Staff Day (08)
Society of University Lawyers (SOUL) Conference Speech (06)
Victorian School Libraries Association Dinner (06)
Women in Insurance Dinner (99)
Young Lawyers lunch, Law Institute of Victoria (99)
Youth Constitutional Forum, Parliament House (00)

 
MC

AFI Awards, Members Lounge (07)
Asthma Foundation Bubble Ball (08)
Australian Property Institute Excellence in Property Awards (05)
Australian Red Cross Trivia Night for YConnect (05)
Australian Teachers of Media (ATOM) Awards (00)
City of Yarra, Celebrate Yarra Festival, Main Stage (05-07)
Chisholm University Graduation Ceremony (08)
Dept of Education cook off, Vic Market (03)
Dept of Education kids day, MCG (03)
Dymocks Collins Street, Launch Shaun Tan’s The Arrival
Essendon FC Corporate Matchday functions (04-06)
Essendon FC Grand Final Breakfasts (04-05)
IET Inspire (07)
IET Make Opportunities Happen (08)
Institute of Body Corporate Managers, annual conference (04)
Iron Designer, State of Design Festival (08)
Irvine Club Luncheon, Victoria Club (05)
IWIRC Grand Final lunch, Crown Palladium (04-05)
Kool Skools Awards night (2003-07)
Legal Comedy Debate (04-05)
Lighthouse Foundation Sunrise to Sunset Challenge (04)
Melbourne Writers Festival Opening Night, Dave Eggers (07)
Melbourne University FC Team of the Century Dinner (03)
Meritum Conference, Sancturay Cove (06)
MIAA Awards night (04)
Monash Blues Grand Final Lunch (07-08)
National Pharmacies Awards Night (03-04)
Penguin Books, launch Graeme Base’s Book Uno’s Garden (’06)
Popcorn Taxi, ACMI, with John Clarke and Shane Moloney (05)
Public Interest Law Clearing House (PILCH) Dinner and Auction (04)
School Libraries Association Awards (05)
State Library of Victoria, Sport and War (08)
State Library of Victoria, Bush or Beach? (08)
State Library of Victoria, Explore the World (07)
Superannuation Lawyers Conference (07-08)
Sandringham Yacht Club, Corporate Cup (07)
Short and Sweet Awards Night, Arts Centre (05)
Sydney Road Festival (04-05)
Victorian Institute of Sport Awards Night (06)
World Vision Dinner, Adelaide (03)
World Vision Vgen Ball (03)

 
Panels / Festivals

Children’s First Foundation Ball, Sport v. Comedy Debate (08)
Darwin Writers Festival (08)
Emerging Writers Festival (06)
Kevin Sheedy’s Footy Challenge DVD (05)
Melbourne Festival of Travel Writing (08)
Melbourne Writers Festival (05, 07-08)
Melbourne International Comedy Festival – Hot off the Press (07)
STA Comedy Debate (05)
Sydney Writers Festival (05)
The Night Before the Last Saturday in September (08)
Williamstown Literary Festival (05)

 
Schools /Universities /Libraries

Belgrave Library (06)
Billanook College Yr 12 (04)
Brimbank Literary Festival (08)
Camberwell High Literacy Week (05)
Distance Learning Centre (06, 08)
East Melbourne Library (06)
Girton Grammar School VCE Conference (04)
Heathmont College (04)
Merri Creek Primary School (07)
Moonee Ponds Library (07)
North Fitzroy Library (07)
PEGS Yr 12 assembly (01-05)
PEGS Junior School (07-08)
RMIT Sports Writing Class (08)
Scotch College Literary Festival (07)
Victoria University Professional Writing Class (05-08)
Yarra Libraries, Opening of Fitzroy Reading Room (07)
Yarrambat Primary School (07)

 

 

In November 2008, I spoke to Monahan & Rowell solicitors at a function called ‘:Lawyers for Doctors’. In preparation, I asked them to assess Dr Hydrangea’s speech in The Thirsty Flowers for potential malpractice implications. It turned out it was absolutely full of holes, which will be corrected for the new edition.

The original reads:

 

One night towards dusk, the flowers arranged a
Special report from Doctor Hydrangea
For he knew enough of plant health and nutrition
To update the group on its general condition.
 
The doctor began, ‘Let’s start off with Daisy
Right now I’m afraid her prognosis is hazy
And unless we can get her a drink before Sunday
I think it unlikely she’ll live to see Monday.’
 
Then Doctor Hydrangea took a deep breath
And said, ‘Rose and Lily also face death,
And Sunflower Sam and Violet and Iris
Though Iris’ black spots might just be a virus.’
 
‘And as for myself, I’m not in great fettle,
Though I’m trying to keep a stiff upper petal,
Yes things are quite grim, the whole bed is dying,
Except maybe Cactus, who copes with a frying.’


Whereas the new, approved by lawyers version reads:

One night after speaking to Monahan and Rowells
Doctor Hydrangea addressed his dear flowers
To share his good wisdom, do all that is fair
While formally discharging his duty of care.

The doctor began, ‘Let’s start off with Daisy’
Honest to god now I’m not being lazy
To me she looks thirsty, in need of a drink
But go see the thirstologist, find out what she thinks!’

I know you’re all seeking my best re-assurance
But just try to guess what I pay in insurance!
Yes Rose I can see that your petals are cracked
But I can’t say much more, lest you cite the Wrongs Act

Lily’s in trouble, it’s not that I’m blind
But last year a colleague of mine he got fined
For touching an underage bulb-let like you
Before the appropriate form had come through.

So until we can get some parental consent
There’s no treating Lily, I’m sad to lament
And Sunflower Sam is in much the same basket
If he wants me to treat him, his parents must ask it.

Then doctor Hydrangea took a deep breath
And said, ‘I don’t want to be sued on Sam’s death’
And don’t say you won’t,’ his eyes dropped to the earth
‘Sam’s lovely parents there sued on his birth’

‘I thought that I’d given his father the snip
But somehow his stamen, it gave me the slip
And then came the stigma, oh golly oh gosh
Punitive damages and all of that tosh

And when I attempted to talk mediation
They dragged me to court, piled on litigation
A justice called Forrest delivered the news
The start of my premium bankruptcy blues’

The flowers admitted their past impropriety
Had fuelled a litigious floral society
So they all signed a leaf in the still evening dew
Relinquishing common law options to sue.

Hydrangea called Monahans up the next morning
Who told him he’d done the right thing with his warning
They said he was legally safe now to practice
Pending a final consent through from Cactus

The next day the doctor woke up in great fettle
For news had come through, the peonies had settled!
Their malpractice suit had been weak from the start
Failing the test there in Chapel and Heart

And so he assembled a bed full of patients
And drew them some water through deep earth titrations
For lawyers now helped in all parts of his practice
They even advised him on needlesticks from Cactus

They taught him that premium problems could ease
If the good doctor passed it all on through his fees
He took their advice and soon made a killing
It sure beat the hell out of floral bulk billing

And as for the flowers, well they all survived
Violet and iris, well those two just thrived
Which just goes to show that a lawyer’s a must
To guide you through drought, famine, fever and dust.

 

November 2008