One night towards dusk, the flowers arranged a
Special report from Doctor Hydrangea
For he knew enough of plant health and nutrition
To update the group on its general condition.
The doctor began, ‘Let’s start off with Daisy
Right now I’m afraid her prognosis is hazy
And unless we can get her a drink before Sunday
I think it unlikely she’ll live to see Monday.’
Then Doctor Hydrangea took a deep breath
And said, ‘Rose and Lily also face death,
And Sunflower Sam and Violet and Iris
Though Iris’ black spots might just be a virus.’
‘And as for myself, I’m not in great fettle,
Though I’m trying to keep a stiff upper petal,
Yes things are quite grim, the whole bed is dying,
Except maybe Cactus, who copes with a frying.’
Whereas the new, approved by lawyers version reads:
One night after speaking to Monahan and Rowells
Doctor Hydrangea addressed his dear flowers
To share his good wisdom, do all that is fair
While formally discharging his duty of care.
The doctor began, ‘Let’s start off with Daisy’
Honest to god now I’m not being lazy
To me she looks thirsty, in need of a drink
But go see the thirstologist, find out what she thinks!’
I know you’re all seeking my best re-assurance
But just try to guess what I pay in insurance!
Yes Rose I can see that your petals are cracked
But I can’t say much more, lest you cite the Wrongs Act
Lily’s in trouble, it’s not that I’m blind
But last year a colleague of mine he got fined
For touching an underage bulb-let like you
Before the appropriate form had come through.
So until we can get some parental consent
There’s no treating Lily, I’m sad to lament
And Sunflower Sam is in much the same basket
If he wants me to treat him, his parents must ask it.
Then doctor Hydrangea took a deep breath
And said, ‘I don’t want to be sued on Sam’s death’
And don’t say you won’t,’ his eyes dropped to the earth
‘Sam’s lovely parents there sued on his birth’
‘I thought that I’d given his father the snip
But somehow his stamen, it gave me the slip
And then came the stigma, oh golly oh gosh
Punitive damages and all of that tosh
And when I attempted to talk mediation
They dragged me to court, piled on litigation
A justice called Forrest delivered the news
The start of my premium bankruptcy blues’
The flowers admitted their past impropriety
Had fuelled a litigious floral society
So they all signed a leaf in the still evening dew
Relinquishing common law options to sue.
Hydrangea called Monahans up the next morning
Who told him he’d done the right thing with his warning
They said he was legally safe now to practice
Pending a final consent through from Cactus
The next day the doctor woke up in great fettle
For news had come through, the peonies had settled!
Their malpractice suit had been weak from the start
Failing the test there in Chapel and Heart
And so he assembled a bed full of patients
And drew them some water through deep earth titrations
For lawyers now helped in all parts of his practice
They even advised him on needlesticks from Cactus
They taught him that premium problems could ease
If the good doctor passed it all on through his fees
He took their advice and soon made a killing
It sure beat the hell out of floral bulk billing
And as for the flowers, well they all survived
Violet and iris, well those two just thrived
Which just goes to show that a lawyer’s a must
To guide you through drought, famine, fever and dust.
November 2008
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